DRESS Your Kid for School Success

Ramona's mom Wheezy has advice for the new school year

August 18, 2017


I’m a retired teacher and you can call me old-fashioned, but I know that the mere scent of tight jeans can keep a bunch of hormone-driven 8th graders from concentrating in school.  

That’s why the D in DRESS stands for Distraction.

Don’t let your child become a distraction. I’ve seen t-shirts that brag about a student’s sexual prowess. I’ve seen marijuana leaves and private parts on t-shirts. One student told me that his parents bought his "F-B-I, Federal Body Inspector" shirt while the family was on vacation.  

A t-shirt touting what your child smokes or strokes after school will not help him pass end-of-grade tests. The same goes for the attention-grabbing statement across the seat of your daughter's stretch pants.  If you don’t want to get a nasty call from the principal about the way your child is dressed, skip the slogans. School is not the place for your child to make a political, religious or anti-establishment statement.  


The R in DRESS stands for Rules.   

Know them! Some schools ban skimpy tops and flip flops. Some ban bandanas and hats. Before you invest in items that will get your child sent home, get online or get on the phone with the school. Talk to other parents to make sure you aren’t wasting your money. School administrators aren’t just trying to ruin your day when they call you about dress code violations. They’re trying to create an appropriate learning environment for your child. Some colors and accessories are banned because they’re associated with gangs!  It’s absurd to send kids to school in gang colors and then expect the child to learn in a peaceful environment. Wearing gang-related attire means one of two dangerous things…

1.     Your child is in a gang and will wind up dead or in prison

2.     Your child is about to get beat up by a gang and will wind up dead or in the hospital

Use some common sense when you shop! Teaching your children to obey the school dress code will help them later in life. Practically every business from Wendys to Wachovia has grooming requirements.  


The E in DRESS stands for Easy

This applies to the little kids. If you have to help five-year-old Jake take off his coveralls or if little Jenny has trouble putting on her own tights, you can imagine how traumatic it’ll be for your child’s teacher at bathroom time. Skip the fancy buttons, hooks and zippers if your elementary kid has trouble with them. Leave the item in the store if it takes more than a few seconds for your child to remove it. Do you know what happens to little kids whose parents send them to school in clothes they can’t manage on their own? Let’s just say that cruel nicknames like Puddles and Boo-Boo Boy are tough to shake. Remember, little kids need clothes that are easy to take off and easy to put back on for bathroom breaks.


The first S in DRESS stands for Size.  

Buy your child clothes in the right size. If you know your son has a 29-inch waist, why are you buying his pants at the Big and Tall store? Baggy jeans that your son has to hold onto to keep from dropping to the floor are too darn big!  If the crotch of your sons pants are closer to his toes than his testicles then  the pants are too darn big. T-shirts that could double as dresses are too darn big!  Buy the right size. The same goes for clothes that are too darn small. If your daughter’s shirt doesn’t cover her navel then it’s too darn small!  If her skirt, dresses and shorts don’t cover her cheeks and thighs then they are what?  TOO DARN SMALL!  If your son or daughters’ jeans are so tight that grandchildren may be out of the question. Then they are TOO DARN SMALL! Clothing should be small enough OR big enough to cover their underwear.  


And the final S in Dress stands for Suggestive!   

Do you want to send your child to high school or Ho school? Cleavage enhancing bras and thongs are simply not necessary! Your daughter has the rest of her life to wear sexy lingerie. Strapless tops, spaghetti straps and sky-high heels serve no purpose than to titillate a horny little boy. That boy will spend the whole school year figuring out how to talk your sweet little girl into inviting him over when you aren’t home.  So, if you want to be a grandma at age 35 then stock up on sexy school clothes; if not, then modesty is the best policy.  A little make-up and a little perfume are fine. See through shirts and low rise jeans that allow the booty to play peek-a-boo make it tough for boys to concentrate on their studies.  When the boys can't concentrate they'll do everything they can to disrupt the class and deflower your daughter. Girls who show up for school looking too suggestive are heading down a skanky path that leads in one of three disturbing directions...

1.     getting pregnant
2.     getting pimped
3.     getting a porn movie offer  

If you want the honor roll bumper sticker for your car, then D.R.E.S.S. your child for school success!