Which Church Hat Should Wheezy Wear On Mother's Day?

April 29, 2019
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Clutch your pearls! My mom, Wheezy, has been challenged by a young sister in Christ!

Every Mother's Day the United Methodist Women of Simpson-Gillespie United Methodist Church have a hat competition. My mother was the winner a few years back and now considers herself to be the Oprah of contests. The very first year she was judged, Wheezy walked away with a gorgeous floral arrangement and the Olympic-medal joy of knowing that she'd beaten the preacher's wife.

The pastor's wife was a pew legend, with a glorious collection of striking lids. She'd sit a row or two in front of Wheezy and when I visited their church, mom and I would gawk at the hatitude. That's why my mother believes her victory, highlighted on the front page of "The County News," was so epic that as a good Christian woman she shouldn't even enter the following year. 


Out of the kindness of her heart she declined to compete again just to give other church ladies a shot at having the most impressive hat. My mom is "saved" like that.... well.... she WAS like that until this year. Silence the choir honey, because Wheezy claims that an up-and-comer named Sister Goodwin ​actually stood in the sanctuary of God's house and said, "Mother Glover, I'm coming for you this year."


It gives mom the vapors just thinking about it. Wheezy is hoping that Sister Goodwin will be a preacher's wife someday, so mom feels it is her duty to "take her to Sunday School!"

As a former SUPERINTENDENT of the Sunday School at Centenary United Methodist Church in Columbus, OH, Wheezy knows a thing or two about Christian education! Now is the time to teach the little sisters in Christ how to maintain the rich tradition of the church hat. The #ChurchHatChallenge is on!

Mom has tried on dozens of hats in search of the one that'll take the top prize. Honorable mention is a sin! Which one should she choose? Which hat looks like it was made by the holy hands of an anointed hat maker?